Continued from: AFRICA KWETU TOUR – Day 1 of 3: Three Defenders, a reunion in Luweero, the crisps that vanished and a lullaby in Masindi

I have always wondered how it would feel to wake up one day and be hungry but paralysed. I can crawl on my behind until I reach a food source.

On this day, I woke up abnormally hungry.

My roommate, Roland, had already woken up, with no idea how he blacked out. Besides him was a plastic cup with some beer in it. Nevertheless, I could hear him singing a Luganda song in the bathroom as he freshened up for the morning, “Eno ensi tenemazaamu…dunia tenemazaamu…tenkozesa bintu bikyamu….etc.” and he had this wicked way of stumping his feet in the bathroom as he happily sang for the next ten minutes. Later, I learnt that it is a song by one of the famous local artists, Eddy Kenzo.

We assessed the morning was already good by the cheery bird chatters outside the hotel room, a prevalent thing for mornings in Uganda. You would be dull if you didn’t love mornings in Uganda.

On this day, we were set for the day by 9 am and set off to Murchison Falls National Park, where we would drive to the top of the Falls, continue to Paraa and go through the Northern bank of the Park to Pakwach. The journey would take us through bad terrain, malaria and tsetse flies-infested areas; we would fight leopards and crocodiles along the way and still come out alive. If Sir David Livingstone had read the last line, he wouldn’t have bothered to go to the Pearl of Africa.

There was none of those. I had no clue, though, that two of us would walk down the aisle later in the day.

We kicked off our beautiful morning with a sumptuous breakfast and headed off to Murchison Falls. If you haven’t been to Murchison Falls lately, you may still dread the bad roads to Kichumbanyobo gate and the loose gravel stones to the top of the falls and Paraa. That is no more. We now have some very beautifully constructed paved main roads through the Park. Of course, with the usual baboons always seated in the middle of the road and scratching their reddish behinds or one male chasing a female for sex by the roadside. I am told these sneaky bastards exchange food for sexual encounters.

The speed limit is 40kph, so the baboons have time to go off the road as you pass by. Some even wave at you. I swear it’s the truth.

We checked in at Kichumbanyobo Gate, paid our entrance fees, and continued to the top of the falls, our next destination. As we drove through the Bundongo forest, we occasionally stopped to capture some beautiful moments. I didn’t know Nelson had some sneaky photography skills. The road was immaculate and beautiful, and I would eat my rolex directly from it.

With a few stopovers for photo memories, we continued with our drive through the Park. We branched off an hour later to the road that would take us to the top of Murchison Falls. We paid our dues at the checkpoint and continued. The Uganda Wildlife Authority charges an extra but optional 10,000 UgShs per person fee for visiting the falls since some visitors may not be interested in seeing the falls.

We met the rest of the Africa Kwetu team at the Falls. Everyone was in a jolly mood. I could hear a few comments of members admiring the three Defenders that had arrived. One commented, “Now, the real cars have arrived.” I wonder what the others were. I didn’t want to expand on this piece of sensitive comment. I made sure we continued with the day as usual.

The Murchison Falls are magnificent. Nothing beats the sight of a place where the longest river in the world squeezes through a 7-meter gap and then drops down 45 meters and how close you can get to view this. I found out that a guy named Ernest Hemingway crashed a plane downriver from Murchison Falls in 1954. I am sure the dude must have taken some unhealthy amounts of caffeine that day.

Lillian was overly upbeat about the Falls. I am sure she almost wanted to explore the possibility of jumping into the falls. For the next twenty minutes, I was harassed with endless selfies with Lillian and the rest of the team when they got a chance. There is a way she handles the phone, twists it at some awkward angle and takes the most beautiful photo on the planet. Sometimes she would use a sleazy camera app with twinkling stars or falling snow, which has a name similar to snap something. This app makes everyone look beautiful, even if you are already beautiful or handsome.

I also noticed that Nelson’s crew had weird antics while taking photos. The twisted angle was the most interesting and funniest. Roland would go with the flow. He wasn’t very bothered with photos but focused on taking our photos, including some embarrassing poses we swore never to share in public.

A gush of water hit me as I stood next to the guard rail waiting for a photo moment. That wasn’t the problem. Some good litres of water found their way into my right ear’s innermost and delicate parts. For a moment, I could only hear using one ear. I bent my head to the right to let some water out. Luckily some of it came out but not all. I couldn’t wait for all the water to gush out of my ear and bend like I was up to something sneaky. We walked up to the parking area, had a few moments to catch up with the rest of the team and drove off to Paraa.

The water that insisted on remaining in my ear still bothered me. Once in a while, I would tilt my big head to the side, hoping those remaining little bastards to come out. They didn’t!

That didn’t distract us from the breathless views and beautiful scenery as we drove to the northern bank. Paraa, renowned for the Paraa Safari lodge located on the Northern side of the Park, is where the Albert Nile separates the Southern and Northern banks of the Park. Some years ago, crossing the Nile was made possible with a ferry that would run on a scheduled timetable from 7 am to 7 pm. Now, a bridge has been constructed over the river where all vehicles pass. The old route to the ferry is still open to the offices, some crafts shops, and those going for fishing expeditions or a Boat Ride to the bottom of the falls.

I love fishing. My sister Fiona finds it a very dull pastime. She wonders why a brother would sit there quiet for hours waiting for some fish to bite on something attached to the end of a fishing rod. I always tell her: “You can’t understand.” For some reason, she finds collecting earthworms as bait attractive, so we go for fishing trips occasionally. She doesn’t care about catching the fish but mostly enjoys laughing at me when I catch nothing! And of course, staying in new places and eating all kinds of food on our trips. I highly recommend a Nile Perch fishing expedition from the bottom to the bottom of the falls. It is not for the faint-hearted, and not cheap, but totally worth it. Some of the biggest Nile Perch fish in the world are found in this section of the River Nile.

We drove towards Tangi gate, where we would exit Murchison Falls National Park and enter Pakwach town. We slowly explored the main track while viewing a few animals and bird species. The most common was the Uganda Kob. Oribi looked at us curiously on the roadside as we drove past them. It is the smallest antelope in Murchison Falls.

We could see ahead herds of buffalo, several hartebeests and of particular interest to Roland were the bachelor Uganda kobs herds. Male Kobs have horns while females don’t. I tried to explain to him that young males live in bachelor herds and are segregated from the females by the territorial males. It is why we would see many female kobs in one place but with one energetic male among them. You can tell from how he commands respect from the females. Occasionally he will herd them together and raise his nose as if sniffing for something in the air. Kobs are weirdos.

I also continued to stress to my friend that this information did not apply to humans. I wouldn’t want to see my friend trying to herd all his girlfriends in one line and telling them that he is tired of living in a bachelor herd. Sniff…Sniff!

It was afternoon, and the air was hot. On safari, you will see that nature has a rhythm and an organised pattern of activity. There is a peak in the morning as the nocturnal animals get done with the last of their business, and the diurnal species wake up, stretch and start sniffing around for food and danger.

At this point, Roland thought I was talking about him. That seems to be his daily morning schedule.

When it gets to the afternoon, there is a lull, as most animals go dormant in the heat of the day. It is why most of the animals we saw on our short game drive were mostly lying under tree shades. When the afternoon cools, there is a reawakening as the animals shed the listlessness that the heat had cloaked them with.

For this drive across the northern bank, Lillian had abandoned our car and was in an open-roof safari van with some of her old friends who were part of the Africa Kwetu team. So for about forty minutes, we were on our own till Tangi gate. The mood was dull; I must say, without her in the car. I had to listen to Roland’s stories about the weather forecast, the sheep on his farm in Rukungiri, the fuss about Mercedes Benzes and once in a while, the story of how he was forced to get on a Police Patrol pickup during the Covid19 lockdown. These are the stories I had to cope with.

Nelson and Mark’s team followed behind us as we left a reasonable driving space for them to view any of the game we had sighted but also gave enough braking distance as we came to the end of our drive through the Park. We exited through Tangi gate and drove to Pakwach town.

Every time I make a trip to Pakwach, and like most people who travel to this region, one of the memorable stopovers is in Pakwach to enjoy some of the most delicious fish you will ever find. The fish is tiny in size and is usually sold by the roadside. It is a ready-to-eat crunchy snack commonly known as Nang-Nang.

None of my crew had ever tasted this delicacy. There is also Angara fish which is salted and sundried. It can be cooked and eaten as a sauce with any food of your choice.

We arrived at Gipir and Labong safari lodge, where we had lunch.

I must say that Gipir & Labongo Safari Lodge is one the best places to stay while in Pakwach or anywhere in West Nile. There is little to almost no other place that matches its simplicity and awesomeness. The staff must have been overwhelmed by our numbers, including the noisy lot among us. The food was excellent. I don’t know if it were because of his legs or a snatched seat, but Chris had his lunch while standing at the counter. As for me, an old mzee came and sat in mine while I went to the bathroom, so I had to abandon that one and join Chris at the counter, where we finished our lunch. The rest sat around the lounge area like they had visited their grannies. I also found out that Chris and I were probably the tallest dudes in the group, which is why we may have chosen not to sit down while enjoying our lunch. We were the alpha males for a brief moment.

It was at this moment when we reunited with Lillian. She was glowing with this smile but didn’t say a word until we were about to head off. She told us that she would never abandon us again because there was nothing as fun as the drive in a Land Rover. She also added that she was happy to have had time with her friends, but since we were her first love, she would not wander off in other cars like a neighbour’s child.

It was time to head off to Nwoya.

We set off to Nwoya for a tour of an agro-business farm. The farm belongs to the President’s Chief of staff, Dr Kenneth Omona. Off we went through the rough Pakwach road to the farm. Along the way, a van that was part of the fuel-saving competition went a bit off the road in a slippery section. Nelson was getting excited to tow someone out of the ditch, but that wouldn’t happen. It was a combined effort of strong men who pushed the car out of the mud, and that was it. Had it failed to come out, we would see who the King of the road was.

Our hosts were ready and happily waiting for us. We parked our Land Rovers and joined the briefing. There was smoke coming from something that looked like a bbq stove. The smell of roasted meat excited my crew. Little did I know that Nelson and Chris were the most thrilled at the sight and smell of roasted meat. Our hosts told us that the farm rested on a vast land area. Those interested would check out an Ostrich farm, Goat farm and another site with horses. There were other upcoming agro-projects. We were all excited at the sound of Ostriches and horses. Lillian almost clapped her hands out of excitement. It was a good thing she didn’t.

We were to walk to all these sites on foot with our guide and host, Fred. I learned later that Fred was part Land Rover Club group but was removed one day when he posted a prayer that didn’t go well with the admins and was unrelated to Land Rover discussions. I still wonder who that insensitive admin was.

Fred led the walking safari.

I have led many walking safaris, and I have learnt one thing. Strolling doesn’t help. You get tired and lag. I generally walk fast and love it that way. However, on this tour, we had to keep up with the group ahead and within the time allocated. I had no problem with walking for however long we had to. It was bushy, slightly slippery amidst growing shrubs and grass vegetation.

I had to take the pace slow. I was with Lillian and Mark. Nelson and the team had gone ahead, and I had to walk with my teammate Lillian. Mark and Roland ditched the idea of walking immediately. The smell of meat and the beer in the car was probably more pleasing—lazy buggers.

We carried on and first missed a turn at some point since the first lot had gone way ahead of us, and we could not see any human in sight. Having worked as a safari guide for years and a tracker for some months in my life, I knew what to look out for in the bush. Look out for footsteps, beaten bushes, broken twigs and the like. We retraced our route and continued. At some point, Lillian bellowed in a shallow voice, “But Ronnie, why are you leaving me behind?”. True, I had left her by about 60 metres. I decided to hold her hand, and we continued our walk. She was visibly starting to get tired. I encouraged her to continue to the end. We had covered about two kilometres in the dense vegetation by now. There were scanty paths we strictly had to adhere to. She held my arm as if her life depended on it. She almost lost her breath at the first hill we saw, but I encouraged her and promised I would carry her for the rest of the journey if she went up the hill. I lied. I didn’t!

I walked with her up the hill until we reached the top, and I asked her to rest a little before we continued. We could now see our destination, about a kilometre away. The path was now broader and more straightforward. Three hundred metres in, what we thought was our destination, wasn’t. One of the staff at the farm directed us to turn left into some more beaten bush and shrubland. Lillian almost cried.

At this point is when I knew I would not leave this girl behind again. What would I tell her parents and aunties if she didn’t make it back? We beat through the shrubs and some makeshift path that had been cleared for us to pass through. We saw Mark catching up with us at some point, so we decided to stop and wait for him. We thought we had lost him. He persisted till the end. He caught up with us, and at this moment, Lillian made an announcement. It was an important announcement.

She said. “I think any man who will want to marry me should first come, and we walk down this path till the end.” “No lazy ass man will walk me down the aisle without going through this torture I have gone through.” For a moment, I thought I was the lucky man. I had gone through all this for nothing. We took some photos, and after recovering from the laughter of her comment, we all energetically walked to the Ostrich farm area.

We continued to the horse barns. These were special since you don’t get to see horses every day in Uganda. Good-looking goats were all over the place. We waved at those as we moved along. There was a fish farm in the distance, but we were not bothered. I wouldn’t risk missing walking down the aisle on the way back.

After a short rest and interaction with the horse barn attendants, we set off for The Way Back to our starting point.

I left our “bride” to walk with Mark as I sped off and caught up with Nelson and the crew ahead. I caught up with them and even led the group ahead of Fred. I wanted to get some good photos of them as they walked through the farmland since our trip photographer was busy swallowing pieces of meat as we went for the walk. Amazingly the way back was faster. As Lillian will attest, I got to welcome her back and put a wildflower in her hair. It wasn’t easy walking down the aisle.

We all returned safely. It was a worthwhile experience.

It was time for some nyama choma. As you can imagine, the team I moved with had no time selling face regarding meat issues. I will leave the rest to your imagination. We all received large portions of roasted goat meat, chicken, and bottled water. Chris and Nelson didn’t seem to agree.

Either way, we were all happy and ready to head to Gulu.

Gulu is Chris and Nelson’s home town. We summarised the rest of the journey safely and swiftly and checked in to Churchill Hotel at 8 pm. We were all ready for a good meal. Nelson had made all the bookings, so everything was quick.

Chris was over the moon about the idea of going out for the night. The team was tired. No one accepted the fact until we realised we were ordering food from the hotel kitchen. This meant that we would all have our dinner at the Hotel.

We sat by a lovely open area where we chatted and recapped the long day. It was the longest day of the trip. We still had a full day to go, so it was wise if we stayed indoors and spared our energy for the next day.

I got a text from our bride of the day, who was in her room. She wrote: “I am hungry!” I instantly replied. “Please join us. We are seated by the outside dining area. You will see us.” And there came the hungry bride. She made her food order. I wondered why her food looked nicer than mine, yet we ordered the same thing. I was happy to see the team back together and all happy.

Strangely, Chris showed up and said something I will never forget. “I know you guys are here pretending you are tired and want to sleep. For me, the ancestors are calling. They want to see me. They don’t want me to disappoint and shame the clan.” It was Chris’ way of convincing the team to go out for at least two hours. We never went out that night. We had moved enough in Nwoya on foot, and we were not going to put more stress on our tired feet and ankles that had been pushing manual Land Rover Defenders for the whole day. I guess the ancestors let Chris loose and spared his life.

Roland showed up, ordered tea, and vanished into his room. The rest of us had fun conversations over the moonlight until we called it a day. Nelson told us he would be back to join our fun discussion. Lillian said goodnight and went to her room as well. Mark and Paul vanished into thin air. It was Chris that was still out and Me. We went and locked our cars. For some strange reason, Nelson’s Defender was still running. We switched it off and walked to our rooms.

Walking with a man whose ancestors wanted him a few minutes ago felt a bit weird. Nevertheless, we laughed off as we went to sleep, making fun of how poor Nelson was probably too tired to accept the reality. He thought he was Arnold Schwarzenegger when he said that he would be back. Even the tallest guys on the trip had finally accepted that we needed sleep and rest.

We didn’t want our fun night to be curtailed just as easily by all of us going to sleep on the first night in Gulu or anyone of us giving up on the night out. So it was with shame and guilt that I came to learn that Nelson had gone to sleep and that he would not come back until morning.

Now, here I was. Walking with Chris to our bedrooms, I felt surrounded by senselessness. I avoided asking him the obvious question I had on my mind.

For it is a terrible thing to wonder: Which of my friends or who of us would the ancestors call next?

To be continued in AFRICA KWETU TOUR – Day 3 and 4: The drive to Pader, the magnificent Aruu Falls, Surprise Meaty ribs and the Escape Plan