The 2022 Africa Kwetu tour was an over 1000km drive to Northern Uganda, dubbed the Great Northern Connection tour. Its overall goal is to promote tourism and save the environment through minimal fuel consumption.

It is a tour that targets the promotion of Tourism, Protection of the Environment, and Road Safety in Africa. It is aimed at helping people discover more about Africa and teaching drivers to save fuel as they drive on roads.

Two other blokes and I registered for the 2022 tour under the Land Rover Uganda Club. In our usual style, we came in with our Land Rovers and headed off to Northern Uganda from the Capital of Uganda, Kampala. We drove to Masindi through the Ziwa Rhino Sanctuary and spent the night in Masindi town.

Mark, driving a white TD5 Land Rover Defender, and his Co-driver and brother Paul were the first to arrive at Velocity Bar and Grill. This was our meeting point before we set off. I came in second in a Defender 300 Tdi, and then Nelson, with his brother, Chris, never showed up at the meeting point. They were in a souped-up 2.4Tdci Defender. They were late, as usual. Nelson and Chris seem to be making this a habit during events.

We had to set off without them and hoped they would catch up later in Luweero along the Kampala to Gulu highway.

We weaved through the Kyanja to Kasangati junction, where we hit the murram road to join the Gulu highway. Luckily, it had just rained, so we were saved from the dust on the unpaved road. My Defender has no air conditioning but some slightly primitive vents at the front, which can open to let in the fresh air. So, in this case, you must take in dust and unfresh air for that moment if it were dusty. Land Rover has revised this ingenious idea and blocked off those vents in later models. The company fitted optional but modern and better fresh air or air conditioning provisions. I would love to meet the guy at Land Rover who designed the air vent system.

We hit the gravel road for about fifteen minutes until we joined the highway at Matugga. Towards the end of the perilous road, Mark, in the second Defender, asked whether we were close to the end of this uncomfortable road. To his relief, we could now see the paved highway ahead of us, which we happily joined and continued north towards Masindi. We used a radio walkie-talkie system in all the cars, so it was always easy to communicate anything between them as we moved.

Before we reached Luweero, we had a few stops, mainly because Mark’s co-Driver, Paul, wanted a pee break every 30 mins. It’s not that we were bothered by it; we just wondered why. It must have been something to do with the katogo he ate in the morning. Katogo is a Ugandan delicacy meal prepared from a mixture of foodstuffs like matooke, cassava, beans, greens, meat etc. It’s a common choice for an early morning jump-start food. Paul must have eaten a mixture of matooke, beef, beans and bitter cherries.

Our next stopover was Luweero.

Luweero is a town in the Central Region of Uganda. It is the main municipal, administrative, and commercial centre of Luweero District. It’s a reasonably busy town renowned for being one of Uganda’s two prominent pineapple growing belts. We didn’t stop here for pineapples. We stopped here to relax and wait for our other team members, Nelson and Chris.

While we waited for our slow friends, we used the time to take a short walk nearby and explore the town. Our cars were equipped with all that we would need for a trip. We had bottled water, beer, quick snacks, toilet paper, first aid kits and all the other essential amenities. Mark’s car even had a portable Whisky bar. We would use this at the end of the day as we sat down in the evening and recapped the day.

It was hot. Very hot!

Roland, our trip photographer, didn’t bother with the walk. He sat under the shade provided by the verandah of a roadside lodge. The way he comfortably sat made us think he owned it.

We later found out that it wasn’t the heat of the moment that took him there. The poor chap was just hungry. He could hardly stand. I dashed to the car for some of the crisps that Lillian, my co-driver, had bought at the start of the journey for such emergencies.  We sadly learnt that he had devoured them voraciously in a last attempt to save his life. I guess, for the moment, his body was running on a bag of crisps and yoghurt, a combination I hoped would save his life until our next destination. It did. He didn’t die. I remember Lillian calling out and asking if I had found anything for our very hungry colleague. I just replied, “He will survive!”

As we now sat down under the shade, a lady approached. She was this kind that you would tell what she had come for. She was a saleswoman. A food saleswoman. She greeted us and immediately added, “From the way I see you guys, I can tell that you guys would like to eat some food.” A moment of silence ensued. We looked at each other with these sheepish smiles but didn’t say a word. The lady continued, “We have chips, chicken, liver, beef, rice and some local dishes.” That was when I quickly excused myself to get a drink from the car.

On my return, I learnt that my friends, who didn’t know that I had silently eaten a mega rolex breakfast before the take-off from Kampala, had declined the lady’s food delivery services. Rolex, or rolled eggs, is classic Ugandan street food, a snack made with chapatis, eggs and vegetables. It is genuinely one of the most satisfying foods on the planet.

They also didn’t know that our next stop was two hours away. They would regret their decision later unless the drivers had a concession to stop a few metres ahead for some roasted meat on sticks.

A few minutes later, Nelson and Crew arrived. Wearing oversized grey sandals, Chris was the first to disembark from the car and introduced us to the rest of his crew. Chris was hungry as well. He convinced us that he hadn’t eaten anything since that morning.

Chris is a tall dude. He’s one of those guys who will dwarf a saloon car by standing next to it. I wonder why he’s never considered taking on a side carrier as a car washing attendant. He would clean a saloon car in one wipe without turning to the other side.

I have never seen him pose for a photo in all these years we’ve been friends. On this day, Chris posed for a photo next to a Defender.

We got back into the cars and continued on our journey. We stopped briefly for a few minutes ahead by a roadside market in Luweero, where we got some roasted chicken and gonja, a type of sweet plantain. This act delighted the hungry lot. I wasn’t going to bear the sight of a hungry Lillian and Roland in our car. Their faces had turned pale since the time they turned down the food lady’s offer. For now, we were all smiles. Thanks to the chicken and bananas.

We had an abrupt stop on our journey at Migyeera. The Traffic Police stopped us. The road was blocked with metallic spikes. They strictly checked every car passing by for one thing—unpaid Express Penalty tickets. The Police recently launched a crackdown on all cars with outstanding tickets. Any registered vehicle on the road is impounded until the tickets have been paid for. Nelson wasn’t lucky. He had a ticket on the car before he purchased it.

By law, you must clear any outstanding fees before ownership transfer when you purchase a vehicle in Uganda. Otherwise, you inherit all the issues and problems with the car. So the Police officers told Nelson to park the car at the Police Station by the roadside until he paid. The Officer must have told him to “park deya”, a phrase commonly used to make fun of Police officers when they usually ask you to “Park there.” They will then go ahead and check your car for any other traffic violations, if any, or wait until you have sorted your offence. Luckily paying for a traffic offence ticket is instant using mobile money payments. So, he cleared, and we were off again. It was good to know we were now driving without a criminal amongst us.

One hour later, we arrived at Kabalega Diner. This was our late lunch stop and where we could have some rest after 170kms of travel and use clean washrooms. Roadside toilets are tricky on journeys like these, as you will learn later. It’s better to use a clean roadside bush than a toilet you have no idea what to expect.

We had our food orders in by Sharon at the diner. Apparently, she was a new staff member at the place and didn’t take in many of our jokes and stories about the journey. Perhaps, we thought, she was distracted by Roland’s or Mark’s gigantic beard. We’ll never know. All we know is that their orders were ordered first but served last. That was none of our business. The food was delicious even though Nelson dreamed of a chapati that never showed up. Chris wasn’t very pleased with the portions of chicken that he was served. Sometimes I wonder where all the food he eats goes. It can’t be in those tall legs he assumes a  stature on.

We set for our last leg of the day’s journey to Masindi. We had 40kms to go. We stopped a few kilometres ahead on the Kafu to Masindi Road for the last photos of the day. The air was clean, and the road provided a clear and uninterrupted opportunity for a scenic shot.

You know these are the things that we Land Rover guys love. We love our beers and whiskys as well. We sometimes have a problem with showering on trips, especially on a cold day. I don’t know why but girls and ladies don’t seem to have issues with taking a shower at any time in the day. They find it easy and fun. They love it and take their time. You will hear them singing all kinds of songs, whether in or out of tune. I know this valuable information because I grew up with five sisters. That’s how I learned to dance; while waiting for the bathroom.

A rain storm was coming. And as expected, we hit the rain and drove for the rest of the journey in heavy rain with some front visibility impaired. We continued slowly to our destination. We were not worried or bothered by the rain. It’s one of the two windscreen wipers that was bothering me. Earlier, I had replaced the wipers and forgot to lock them in place. So when the rain started, I switched on the wipers, and my driver-side wiper gave up on me as if saying..” I was hoping you wouldn’t treat me like Chris’ oversize sandals. You need me all the time.” I sorted my wiper when we reached our hotel, Masindi Country Inn.

We were now ready for a brief night out and some good sleep. Nelson is the head of the “Nights Out” department and knows what to do in such cases. He never disappoints.

I don’t think Roland remembers how he returned to the hotel that night, even though he was with me when we returned. It was a good night. We were tired but happy at the end of a good day. It was time to sleep and wake up to a new day.

He sang for himself a lullaby and blacked out in his sack. I still remember a few lines of his lullaby. It went like: Rock a bye baby on my bed. When the wind blows, my beard will drop…

I don’t remember anything after that!

The Adventure continues on Day 2 of 3: Murchison Falls to Pakwach, Walking down the aisle, and an eerie night in Gulu